My random attempt at FF (part 2)

November 23, 2562

The Arbiter studied the odd vessel. It was very small, with holes in its sides. It was rectangular, with no visible engines. Jaroom, a male Kig Yar, stood near him, with the rest of the spec ops squadron.
The jungle of Var’nad had recently been hit by what was thought to be a meteorite, but was struck by this odd box.
Jaroom and his Unggoy team had discovered the crash site, and had notified the Arbiter immediately.When the Council learned of it, they sent him, Jaroom, and two grunts, Car’can and Chaqu.
“Sir, we have learned nothing from the inside of the ship.However, we did find this.” Car’can
produced a small piece of twisted green metal.The Arbiter studied the ore, and remembered the Master
Chief.Nine years...Nine years since I saw him, he thought. He wondered what could’ve happened to him.
“Jaroom, continue the search.I am going back to the camp.”

“Yes, sir!”Jaroom screeched.

While walking back, The Arbiter noticed something strange in the sky...something green.It
grew bigger, turned into a hole,which transformed into an old Insurrectionist vessel.He was knocked flat when thousands of contacts appeared in his field of vision. Rocks were tossed into the air because of the rippling space, and the arbiter sprinted back to the site.

This may be the most horrible, or best FF. Srry for lack of title. Note that this is a mere sample.

Goodish story, but lacks description. I am thinking of writing a new FF!

thx.

Best? No.
Horrible? No.

I'd say it's somewhere in between. It's too direct, it's short layout could use some work, grammar and punctuation need touching up, and you don't describe anything. What you said in what would be about a quarter of a page in a paper-back novel should take up at least three pages, if not seven or eight.

You seem to be rushing, and by doing so sacrificing description. A very common mistake among fan-fics is the total lack of expulsion, rising action, and resolution. Setting is also very commonly ignored, as is theme.

The storyline is interesting, though, and could lead to somewhere if you worked on it. If you want better ratings, though, I strongly recommend you set aside a few hours and re-write this first chapter.

What Civ said! lulz

Anyway, @ CivBase, you asked for a link to my work on my thread, dont you remeber "The Resistence"?

CivBase wrote:Best? No.
Horrible? No.

I'd say it's somewhere in between. It's too direct, it's short layout could use some work, grammar and punctuation need touching up, and you don't describe anything. What you said in what would be about a quarter of a page in a paper-back novel should take up at least three pages, if not seven or eight.

You seem to be rushing, and by doing so sacrificing description. A very common mistake among fan-fics is the total lack of expulsion, rising action, and resolution. Setting is also very commonly ignored, as is theme.

The storyline is interesting, though, and could lead to somewhere if you worked on it. If you want better ratings, though, I strongly recommend you set aside a few hours and re-write this first chapter.

Yeah... It gets better at Ch. 2, I already am partially done, but I just wanted to make sure. Also, this is the prolouge (sp).

Chapter 1:Rescue
Ship crash site, Var’nad, Sangheili empire,
November 23, 2562
Jaroom crouched behind his personal shield. The oddly dressed humans were attacking, and
a group of Kig-Yar had seemingly allied themselves.Car’can, the highest ranked grunt of the squad, also had an energy shield, and was standing behind it, shooting his fuel rod cannon. Chaqu was firing Needler rounds at the Jackals and humans, but none of their fire did a thing. Soon the Arbiter came charging into their cover, and asked Jaroom, “ What the hell is going on here?”
Jaroom answered, “ It appears that Rebels have attacked,sir.”
“ I will contact the others.”
“That won’t help.We need a ship to attack that craft.”
Thel thought, and replied,” I’ll rally the Vampires and Seraphs.”
He keyed his radio, and said: “ Any friendly air support receiving this mes-”He was cut off by a loud BOOM. Above him, old human aircraft engaged the Seraphs. Bolts of plasma flew from the jungle into
the back of the enemy. Thel greeted’, and thanked Bravo squad. But the trouble wasn’t over.
Multiple human warships engaged Covenant and other Human craft. The party of 10
raced back to the encampment, and found it in ruins.
Wanyo, one of Rtas’s men, said “Sir, we might be able to get transport at the motor pool.
That is, if it isn’t destroyed.”
Thel replied “No.We can’t risk our lives to get something there might not be.” Then, he spotted them.
Twelve Locusts, two Ghosts and a Specter. They were hidden behind large boulders, and he told the team.Jaroom, Chaqu, Car’can and Wanyo got in the Specter.The Arbiter, Jajen, Datos, Fawer,
and Namiana got in the Locusts. The convoy proceeded down the hill into a quarry, where massive battles were being fought. The Locusts fired onto the Insurrectionist soldiers, and the Specter
sped along the edge of the battlefield.
Orbital support had soon blasted the humans away, and the Kig-Yar, Elites, and Grunts
they had collected helped the vehicle team incinerate the rest of the enemy.



Hope you guys like it!

Sorry about the wierd positioning, its a site prob I guess.