short stuff

I’m proud to say that I’m a self-made man. Well, at least partially. I made my own spleen and most of my small intestines myself. I used a lot of PVC pipe for that.

If someone is having a heart attack and you don’t know CPR, try using CCR instead. It won’t help much, but they have some great songs and it might cheer everyone up.

I’m against animal testing. Especially when their scores are better than mine.

Another way the government could save money: Stop spending millions of dollars on robot probes and space launches just to learn about Mars. Instead just try looking “Mars” up on wikipedia.

I don’t believe James Brown. If he really did feel that good why did he yell out in pain in almost every song he ever sang?

Cock fighting - illegal. Cutting off a chicken’s head, throwing the remains into hot grease and eating it’s flesh - perfectly legal. That seem inconsistant to me

Alzheimer’s means never knowing why you’re saying your sorry.

I’d make a good superhero. I may be only one man, but I have the strength of one man plus a second, additional, very weak man.

Idea for new TV show - It’s a singing contest like American Idol, but in my show when they’re singing someone will be repeatedly punching them right in the goddamn nuts. Each week we’d get a new celebrity guest to do the punching.

Never give out your social security number to anyone - con men can use that information to steal your identify and rob you blind , so never give it out to anyone no matter what. Of course this makes it a lot harder to ever get your checks after you retire, but no plan is perfect.

When I was in the first grade our teacher told us that reading books could take us to magical places where we would have amazing adventures. After that I was quite an avid reader until I realized that she wasn’t being literal.

They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. So be careful where you step or you could end up a long way from all your stuff.

I would’ve liked to lived in the late 60’s and been a hippie. It sucks that I missed the one time in history when poor hygiene was considered fashionable.

Republicans should try looking on the bright side more often. Last year at least eight Democrats ran for president and all but one lost badly.

Prediction: In the future people will have cell phones permanently installed directly into their ear. Unfortunately the first of these in-ear phones will weigh 87 lbs pinning all but the strongest to the floor

If you’re Chinese and you have a stuttering problem, no one will ever notice it.

Drinking alone is one of the signs you may have a drinking problem. Or a hygiene problem.

I found out that lot of those online dating web sites are just covers for child prostitution rings. I was trying to sign up for one and the fourth question in their little questionnaire was “Do you want children?”. No thank you! I’m only interested in dating grown women. I’m no pervert. I have half a mind to report them to Dateline NBC

We learn from out mistakes. For example when robbing that bank the note shouldn’t have said: “I have a gun. Give me all the money in the bank except for the money in account number 25261543185. Leave that money alone. I don’t want to have to make two trips, besides there may be some checks out on that account that haven’t cleared yet” In retrospect I think a note like that just made the police suspicious of me. When you’re robbing a bank it’s best to leave short notes without a lot of details.

In a lot of ways I feel like I was born too late. I was already seven years old when it happened.

Americans eat enough McDonald’s hamburgers every week to fill the grand canyon. It’s pointless speculation though. The guys at the grand canyon have rules against doing stuff like that.

I’ve been working to genetically engineer a new more powerful type of mistletoe that will made fornication mandatory whenever two people stand under it.

I’ve never been one of those egghead types who spends their lives in ivy towers. I don’t even know ivy can support all their weight. You’d think a building made out of ivy would just fall over. I’m surprised the building codes allow it;

That guy who cut off a guys head on a greyhound bus and ate part of it said he did it because god told him to do it . That’s not really a very good excuse - granted. But if you think about it it’s probably still is the best possible excuse you could come up with for something like that.

before you judge somone, walk a mile in their shoes. that way, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

All people die alive.

Angatar wrote:All people die alive.

that's clever

KristallNacht wrote:I found out that lot of those online dating web sites are just covers for child prostitution rings. I was trying to sign up for one and the fourth question in their little questionnaire was “Do you want children?”. No thank you! I’m only interested in dating grown women. I’m no pervert. I have half a mind to report them to Dateline NBC

lol...

Angatar wrote:All people die alive.

Die alive? What?

You really are slow minded, eh JJ?

RX wrote:You really are slow minded, eh JJ?

Erm...Yes, i guess.

What is he going on about?

JumpingJet wrote:

RX wrote:You really are slow minded, eh JJ?

Erm...Yes, i guess.

What is he going on about?

No-one going to help me out here?

To die, you must be alive, so you die alive.