The Secret of Planet 10

Yes, my re-entry into the writing world was a little Then I got called out on it and I was all like Then I realized that everybody was right, and I was like because I realized it was time to make a change. I've been writing and working on this for a little while and decided to make something out of it. So ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present The Secret of Planet 10.

Early in the 24th century astronauts from Earth came across a planet, a planet like no other. Earth's government decided to call the astronauts back and they sent out soldiers and scientists out to the planet to research. In a few days the government lost contact with 4 out of the 10 squads sent. Within two weeks they lost contact with all of them. None of them were seen again. Well, at least not by humans. Disturbed and curious on what was going on, the government decided to send their best fleet in to take the planet and whatever had made them lose contact their men. They weren't prepared for what was on Planet 10, they weren't prepared for anything Planet 10 was about to throw at them.

This is the story of a soldier and scientist who had supposedly gone "missing" during the first contact with Planet 10. Humans never saw them again. But the inhabitants of Planet 10, they saw them for a very long time.

Okay people this is just the setup just tell me if your interested or not. Yes if you want to say it's cliched go ahead but I don't think it is

Avatar meets Aliens?

PiEdude wrote:Avatar meets Aliens?

Sort of. I can't tell if that's an insult or a compliment.

It's really neither.

I'm anxious to see where this story leads, but I'm afraid that it may end up too clichéd.

Still, I hope for the best, and I can give a better review after the first chapter.

PiEdude wrote:It's really neither.

I'm anxious to see where this story leads, but I'm afraid that it may end up too clichéd.

Still, I hope for the best, and I can give a better review after the first chapter.

Well I'm trying not to make it cliched

Looks nice, try not to make it text blocks either, I hate those >.>

Death no more wrote:Looks nice, try not to make it text blocks either, I hate those >.>

Sorry I'll try not to

March 22, 2134. Location: Unknown

"Where is he now?" Admiral Teal asked.

"Nobody knows. We know he's been arrested 5 times since his discharge." Stevenson replied.

"Damn it, we need him on this one."

"We know, sir. We have a full military force tracking him down. If he's still on Earth, we'll find him."

Teal grunted and stepped away from the window he had been staring at ever since Stevenson had came into the room. He walked to his desk and turned on the projector. A small scale image of Planet 10 illuminated the dark room.

"What do we know about this place?" Stevenson asked.

Teal remained quiet for a few seconds, then finally spoke. "Nothing."

March 22, 2134. Location: Outside of Little Mary's Gas Station. Cleveland, Ohio.

Ian stood on the rainy corner of Frankford and Quint.

"Motherfucking Robbie better get here damn soon." He whispered to himself.

A few more minutes passed by before a black car pulled up an Ian got in. Robbie looked at him nervously.

"Calm the fuck down, it's a gas station I think this one is gonna be a easy grab-and-go."

"Shit man last time you said that we spent 2 months in jail."

Ian shrugged the comment off and asked for his gun. Robbie handed it to him.

"Ready?" Ian asked.

Robbie nodded and they both climbed out of the car and walked towards the gas station. When they got to the entrance they put their masks on then kicked open the doors and ran inside.

"Get the fuck down or your gonna go home in a body bag tonight!" Robbie screamed at the clerk.

Ian walked calmly to the cash register and tried to open it. It needed a key. He slammed the butt of his pistol down on it and it opened quickly. He started pulling out all the money and shoved all of it in his pockets. Robbie kept the clerk down with his gun. Ian was almost done with the money.

"Got any stashes of money hidden around here?" Ian asked.

The clerk nodded and stumbled on saying, "It it it's in the ba-ba-back fridge."

Ian looked at Robbie, "Keep your gun on him I'm gonna go get the money."

Ian started back towards the fridge. Robbie looked around the store, and he decided to take a little snack. He turned away from the clerk and reached out to grab a bag of chips and when he turned around he was met by a shotgun pointed to his stomach. A gunshot rang out through the store.

Ian ran back to the front desk to find Robbie laying in a pool of blood and the clerk standing with open eyes of sheer terror looking at what the hidden shotgun had caused. Ian first turned his attention at the clerk. He pointed his gun at his head and fired a single bullet. It killed the clerk instantly. He turned towards Robbie.

"Fuck..." Robbie mumbled.

He was trying to put his intestines back into his stomach weakly. Ian couldn't help him. He stood there, world fading in and out as he watched Robbie weakly cry himself to death. When his last tear fell and his arms fell to his sides, his insides started to slither out of him. Ian couldn't watch. He stumbled out of the store. He was in shock of the night's events. In the distance he heard siren.

He heard Robbie's voice inside of his head, "They're coming Ian, better run Ian. Don't wanna end up like me now do you?"

Ian shook his head and the world came back to him. He was standing in the rain, no objective in sight, just to run.

He sprinted to the car and got in, fumbling to find the right key. He looked in the rearview mirror. Robbie's dead carcass sat there, insides falling out. His dead eyes stared into Ian's, and a smile came across the pale face.

They parted and said hoarsely, "Drive Ian, drive."

So he drove. He sped through the streets of Cleveland. He had nowhere to go, and he knew it. He decided he would go to the park. Everywhere he heard sirens, and he started to understand that he had no escape, and he was going to be caught. He decided he didn't care. Robbie's voice kept him going. He wanted to see Robbie again. He looked in the rearview. Nothing was in the backseat.

"Watch out Ian."

Ian looked back to the road, and was t-boned by a truck as he sped through and intersection. He lost consciousness.

March 22, 2134. Location: Unknown

A scrawny man ran into the office. "Sir! We've found Gray! He's in Cleveland."

Admiral Teal looked at Stevenson and nodded, "Let's go."

March 22, 2134. Location: Somewhere in Cleveland, Ohio

Ian regained consciousness. He was lying in the middle of the road. He couldn't move. He heard more sirens in the distance. The world was fading again. White noise filled his ears. He looked back at his totaled car. The back door popped open, and Robbie's body climbed out. The body drug itself toward Ian slowly.

Ian began to cry. Finally the body reached him. It's closed eyes popped open, and another smile widened over the cold lips. Slowly, Robbie's body put itself back together, insides pulling themselves back into place, stomach flaps closing together. The body got up and look down onto Ian.

"Should've been watching the road." It said, "Now sleep."

Robbie's boot came down onto Ian's face and he lost consciousness again.

End of chapter 1

It was good, but try to avoid run-along sentences and blocks of text.

Yeah thanks

Text blocks relatively fixed

CLICHES GALORE.

Also, grammatically, I don't know what the fuck is going on.
And the action is incredibly rushed. Like, there's a big difference between fast paced and rushed, and this is definitely rushed.

Slow down the scenes, make your paragraphs longer, fix up your grammar, get rid of the horrible cliches, and you're good to go.

i likez it...

laxspartan007 wrote:i likez it...

Thank you Lax. By the way, Ziggy, I have failed to see you actually write a story on this forum or anywhere else so I would appreciate a link to one so I can see your perfect writing. Oh and whenever I write long paragraphs, everybody calls them text blocks. I would also appreciate an example of my grammatical errors, and a cliche

*facepalm*

Can't you take a criticism?! He's trying to help you, just listen to it, it'll MAKE YOU BETTER!

Mr. Grenade wrote:

laxspartan007 wrote:i likez it...

Thank you Lax. By the way, Ziggy, I have failed to see you actually write a story on this forum or anywhere else so I would appreciate a link to one so I can see your perfect writing. Oh and whenever I write long paragraphs, everybody calls them text blocks. I would also appreciate an example of my grammatical errors, and a cliche

I haven't got the commitment or motivation to attempt any creative writing, but I do like essay writing and I do read quite a lot. Just because I don't write these sorts of pieces, that doesn't mean I'm not allowed any input or opinion at least on your piece. Criticism doesn't necessarily need to be backed up with years of experience in the relevant field.

The interesting thing that occurs with these fan fictions is that they're written in 1-2 sentence segments. You should try writing it in larger paragraphs of at least 6-7 lines.. That way you have a bit more seperation between events and sequences, and it doesn't end up feeling like one big long continuous stream of action and activity.

Chapter 2

March 23, 2134, 1:39 AM. Location: Cleveland Police Station.

Ian felt sweat drip from his forehead as he regained consciousness. His mind fuzzy and confused of the past nights events, he blinked and shook his head. He took notice of his surroundings. He was in a dark room, with a blacked out window in front of him. He was sitting in a cold, fold-out chair in front of a table with a ashtray in the middle. Smoke arose from the single cigarette sitting inside.

"Freshly lit." Ian thought.

He reached out and picked it up. Slowly he took a long puff and blew it out in rings. He waited. He knew who was coming, he knew it was his final strike, and he'd be in prison for life at this point. He waited for the cop to come in and send him off to the judge. But when that door creaked open, it wasn't a cop. It was Stevenson.

"This here gentlemen," Stevenson announced as he entered the room, looking around as if he had a crowd around him, "is a fine specimen. One Ian Gray, dropped out of the military in April of 2131. He has been arrested five times since his discharge. Why don't we all give Mr. Gray a round of applause."

Stevenson stood at the doorway clapping with a sadistic smirk across his face. Ian spat on his shoe. He stopped clapping. He walked to the table in silence and sat down.

"Well Ian you've certainly impressed me. Ex-marine goes AWOL and goes on a rampage of incarcerations. But this time manslaughter? Phew, you've really out done yourself. How did you expect to get out of that one? I'll tell you what, that clerk fucked up your friend Robbie."

Ian's pulse flared and he jumped across the table, struggling for Stevenson's neck. The sergeant's eyes flashed with fear as Ian's hand grasped tightly around his neck and his chair toppled over backwards and the pair tumbled. Ian ended up on top. The sergeants hands grasped over Ian's wrists but his grip was too strong. The sergeant's face flushed as he struggled for air. He pulled together the last inch of his strength and thrust his head forward and knocked Ian off of him.

Ian blacked out. The last thing he felt or heard was men running into the room and dragging him off. Stevenson got up and brushed himself off as the unconscious Grey was drug off to a cell. He walked out of the room and met up with Teal in the lobby of the station.

"Was the comment about his friend really necessary?" Teal asked him.

"It got to him well enough that's for fuckin' sure."

"We sort of need him conscious to make a deal with him."

"I'm sorry, sir, I didn't realize that it would hit him that hard."

"Just let me talk to him Stevenson, I'll get him on board."

Stevenson nodded and saluted. Teal returned it and started towards the cell room.

"Fucking idiotic brute." He thought.


Ian woke up in a cold cell. He reached up and rubbed his aching forehead. He was bleeding. He shook off his wound and watched as a well dressed man entered the room and walked to the cell.

"What now are you gonna fucking shoot me?" Ian asked sarcastically.

"No Ian, but trust me, I have all the authority in the world to at this point. You most likely have a pretty large bounty on your head right now. Manslaughter and an attack on an army sergeant. That's not good son. But don't worry, I'm offering a diplomatic solution here."

"Fuck diplomatic. Send me to jail, I'm done with you army fuckers. I was a long time ago."

"Let me give you my offer first damn. I'm offering you a one mission job with the army. All we need you to do is to serve as an escort for scientists."

"Don't you already have enough army dogs for that?"

"Well this is a special mission, and we wanted you for this. You were great during your time, and we want you here. If you join, you'd be going to a whole new planet. Planet 10. Currently we know nothing about it. That's why we're sending the scientists."

Ian laughed, "Surely you can't be serious. You're recruiting me for some top secret mission, for some new planet, that you don't even know about? The drunk who's been out of the military for 3 years?"

Teal gave him a serious look. "Yes. And the government will personally clean your slate. You can start over. Or you can stay here and spend your life in jail, being someones bitch."

Ian thought for a minute, "When do I start?"

Teal smiled, "Right now."

End of chapter 2 (fuck yes that last line is cliched)