Good GOD This Guy Has A Stick Up His Ass...

Doug Rainbow on Writing.com wrote:Piescriptor (through a pen name of a curious glyph) contributes "Homecoming."

Although the concept of this contribution is pretty good, the flagrant overuse of the verb "to be" (and particularly "was") robs it of vitality. I counted 35 uses of some form of the verb "to be" in this short piece. Most verbs show action. The verb "to be" shows a state of being. "Was," "were," "is," "are," -- passive, passive, passive, passive. They suck the life out of a narrative. This could have been a good story.

"The bus was cramped" could be "Too many commuters cramped the bus like sardines in a can." "The bus was suddenly moving again" could be "The bus lurched forward and standing passengers lost their balance." "His hair was jet black and somewhat short" could be "His short black hair jutted out from his scalp like quills." And on and on.

Come on, Piescriptor, you can do better. The verb "to be" in its various tenses represents a lazy writer's way of expression. Your little piece shows that you have some imagination, an eye for description, and some appreciation of the elements of plot. Now give your talents a chance to flower and breathe. Please, please lose your penchant for passive expression.

KristallNacht wrote:his argument is entirely valid.

KristallNacht wrote:his argument is entirely valid.

PiEdude wrote:

KristallNacht wrote:his argument is entirely valid.

I never said it wasn't.

It wasn't what he said, it was how he said it that irks me.