Abandon All Hope

Abandon All Hope

Four kids in Trenton, New Jersey in a local foster home had a normal life. Same thing every day, Till they came...


Chapter 1-
When They Came

Ryan, Jamie, Jake, and Nate where all children in the foster home in Trenton. They where all four best friends awaiting the day they turned 18 and the state kicked them from there only home. They where really hoping to the day they left. The walls had holes in them, the roof was going to cave in any time soon, and most of all the beds where hard as a rock. It was bad but they had each other. They all held on to each other so tight that they couldn't loose each other. Not much happened around there, they had breakfast at 8am lunch at 12pm and dinner at 6pm. But the food didn’t taste the best; they went out a lot of the times when they could.

The time between was school and the only one hour to do your homework. They school didn’t even have textbooks to study with. They couldn’t wait till they left but it was a long time away. It was the worst place in the world even if the state was rich. They where only 13 years old just becoming teens a few moths ago. Five years left in the hell hole they had to call there home. There life before, what they can remember, was good but its over, now all they have is each other. They had lived there since they where little. The first one there was Nate at the age of 3, the second one two years later was Jake at the age of 5, Jamie then Ryan came a few moths after at the age of 5. By a few months Nate was the oldest, as to Ryan being the youngest. Jamie was the second oldest then there was Jake and so on. They met when Ryan got there; he had brought all of them together. He had made the four a one. They couldn’t be apart so they put all four in the same room.

But then one day in the room the four kids slept, 3 armed soldiers came bursting though there door, surprised the four kids popped up from the slumber and one of the soldiers said come with us. They got dressed and grabbed things they couldn’t leave behind just in case they didn’t come back. They didn’t know why and didn’t know where they where going. They followed the 3 soldiers into a long field of darkness; they didn’t know weather they where going into death or some where better for there lives. They hoped for they best. They where running thought a big field and just kept going. When they finally stopped at a cave looking figure, but to dark to see, about 1 1/2 miles away from the home.

"You belong to us now” said the Female Soldier.” You will be safe" then they quietly look at each other in fear of what would happen........

Chapter 2-
First Time Out

~2 years later- year 2069

Now all 4 kids 15 years old. They are at an army recruit station in Fort Brekenham ready for a battle with the British AGAIN. Every one hates them now, Even if they where a year too young it’s the only thing, so far, that they can find.

"I’ve been waiting for this moment forever, this is what I’ve always wanted to do" said Ryan. "I’ve always wanted to save peoples lives.... plus every one LOVES a good soldier."

" You got a point there Ryan but....all I wanted to do is wait.” said Jamie.” Wait for anything, good things come....right."

There was mostly quiet until the commander came to lead them into there first battle. They where nervous, im mean who couldn’t be. Going into battle for the first time couldn’t be any more stressful than it already is. It’s a mad house on the field.

"Ok soldiers its going to be ruff out there but you cadets can take it" said the commander. "I don’t want to loose you out there so one thing, do not get killed, am I clear" "yes sir" said all four. "Now head out"

The four went to the battle field for there first time, it was way more then they had expected. Twenty bullets flew by as the slammed to the ground in horror.

"Ok this is so not what I wanted" said Ryan. "But on the bright side I’m still fighting for peoples lives here"

"Shut up Ryan and go to that side of this battle area" said Nate. "We all have jobs to do and if we don’t take care of them where all fucked"

As Jamie went her commanded territory to guard about five soldiers, who which she now called her family, fell to the ground. She had felt as if some one ripped a small part of her out. But she knew that she had to keep on, that could of even been her. The other three where most likely feeling the same way. The only thing that could possibly get the four to stop if they lost a member of the group.

Chapter 3-
Where’s The Lost Soldier

"SON OF A BITCH!" Yelled, Jake as a sniper almost shot him. "this is not what i signed up for"

"Watch your self Jake" said, Nate. “We don’t wanna loose you out here"

Moving into the fight Jake killed 30 men in 5mins. He was pretty much pist for almost getting shot, Let out some angry on them and other people. Ryan and Jamie found cover in a near building on the field, its wasn’t anymore safe. They were coving Jake but had lost track of Nate. They both thought in fear of where he is. They try hard to contact him.

"Come in soldier, come in" said Jamie.

"Where’s Nate" said Ryan under his breath. “Jamie get a hold on Jake see if he knows where Nate is"

Jamie tried to get Jake but he didn’t come in. Ryan and Jamie where getting nevous, they didn’t know what to think. Wondering if Jake had a track on Nate, if not all hope is lost. Jamie still tried to get them both when finally Jake picked up.

"Jamie.......CHHHH........sold...........come in.........."said, Jake as the radio was off.”Do you have a sight.... on Nate?"

"No that’s what we were trying to get you for" said Ryan. "Do you see him any where"

"no......." said Jake sadly.”He’s out of my sight"

Then the silence of the dark...cold....night falls upon them.................................................................



CHAPTER 4,5,AND 6 COMING SOON TO A COMPUTER NERE YOU!!!!


this is a nice pic to go with this story i guess i was bored just looked





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There's a few spelling mistakes, you need to fix them.

You need to explain the characters more. I read chapter one and when they were taken, I felt nothing. You need to have the reader make a connection to the character. Make them have some sort of feeling when something happens.

Also, your story needs to have a better vocabulary. "'They just have to keep running their gay ass mouths'" is not a good description. It would be better as quote or one of the characters thoughts.

The story also doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense. They were taken by soldiers, then they went to a recruiting station? If soldiers took them, they took them. Also, why is this station so important? If there is no reason for the battle, the reader really doesn't care if the characters win or not.

ill take the bottom one for 5000 *static* repeat 5000 walking wounded *static* WTF just happend

Angatar wrote:There's a few spelling mistakes, you need to fix them.

You need to explain the characters more. I read chapter one and when they were taken, I felt nothing. You need to have the reader make a connection to the character. Make them have some sort of feeling when something happens.

Also, your story needs to have a better vocabulary. "'They just have to keep running their gay ass mouths'" is not a good description. It would be better as quote or one of the characters thoughts.

The story also doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense. They were taken by soldiers, then they went to a recruiting station? If soldiers took them, they took them. Also, why is this station so important? If there is no reason for the battle, the reader really doesn't care if the characters win or not.

it waas 2 years later when they where there and i believe the fist 2 pg. of chapter 1 are better ya should of seen it before and ill check the others

Mereel wrote:ill take the bottom one for 5000 *static* repeat 5000 walking wounded *static* WTF just happend

ok r u saying put the *static* whaere all the dots are?

ya yall suck im not going to stop writing......this is an average story

Jamiesway wrote:

Angatar wrote:There's a few spelling mistakes, you need to fix them.

You need to explain the characters more. I read chapter one and when they were taken, I felt nothing. You need to have the reader make a connection to the character. Make them have some sort of feeling when something happens.

Also, your story needs to have a better vocabulary. "'They just have to keep running their gay ass mouths'" is not a good description. It would be better as quote or one of the characters thoughts.

The story also doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense. They were taken by soldiers, then they went to a recruiting station? If soldiers took them, they took them. Also, why is this station so important? If there is no reason for the battle, the reader really doesn't care if the characters win or not.

it waas 2 years later when they where there and i believe the fist 2 pg. of chapter 1 are better ya should of seen it before and ill check the others

I know it's 2 years later, but later one of them says "This is NOT what I signed up for!" It doesn't make much sense.

Angatar wrote:

Jamiesway wrote:

Angatar wrote:There's a few spelling mistakes, you need to fix them.

You need to explain the characters more. I read chapter one and when they were taken, I felt nothing. You need to have the reader make a connection to the character. Make them have some sort of feeling when something happens.

Also, your story needs to have a better vocabulary. "'They just have to keep running their gay ass mouths'" is not a good description. It would be better as quote or one of the characters thoughts.

The story also doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense. They were taken by soldiers, then they went to a recruiting station? If soldiers took them, they took them. Also, why is this station so important? If there is no reason for the battle, the reader really doesn't care if the characters win or not.

it waas 2 years later when they where there and i believe the fist 2 pg. of chapter 1 are better ya should of seen it before and ill check the others

I know it's 2 years later, but later one of them says "This is NOT what I signed up for!" It doesn't make much sense.

cuz jake almost got shot....he didnt sign up to get shot

Jamiesway wrote:

Angatar wrote:

Jamiesway wrote:

Angatar wrote:There's a few spelling mistakes, you need to fix them.

You need to explain the characters more. I read chapter one and when they were taken, I felt nothing. You need to have the reader make a connection to the character. Make them have some sort of feeling when something happens.

Also, your story needs to have a better vocabulary. "'They just have to keep running their gay ass mouths'" is not a good description. It would be better as quote or one of the characters thoughts.

The story also doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense. They were taken by soldiers, then they went to a recruiting station? If soldiers took them, they took them. Also, why is this station so important? If there is no reason for the battle, the reader really doesn't care if the characters win or not.

it waas 2 years later when they where there and i believe the fist 2 pg. of chapter 1 are better ya should of seen it before and ill check the others

I know it's 2 years later, but later one of them says "This is NOT what I signed up for!" It doesn't make much sense.

cuz jake almost got shot....he didnt sign up to get shot

What he means is, how could he have signed up?

PiEman wrote:

Jamiesway wrote:

Angatar wrote:

Jamiesway wrote:

Angatar wrote:There's a few spelling mistakes, you need to fix them.

You need to explain the characters more. I read chapter one and when they were taken, I felt nothing. You need to have the reader make a connection to the character. Make them have some sort of feeling when something happens.

Also, your story needs to have a better vocabulary. "'They just have to keep running their gay ass mouths'" is not a good description. It would be better as quote or one of the characters thoughts.

The story also doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense. They were taken by soldiers, then they went to a recruiting station? If soldiers took them, they took them. Also, why is this station so important? If there is no reason for the battle, the reader really doesn't care if the characters win or not.

it waas 2 years later when they where there and i believe the fist 2 pg. of chapter 1 are better ya should of seen it before and ill check the others

I know it's 2 years later, but later one of them says "This is NOT what I signed up for!" It doesn't make much sense.

cuz jake almost got shot....he didnt sign up to get shot

What he means is, how could he have signed up?

its a quote ya know the saying...."this is not what i signed up for"

Several common English mistakes... and several not-so-common. Not sure what to say other than Microsoft Word.

When you said you got all A's, did you forget that you failed English?

Meh, you mixed where and were up.
I only read the first chapter so it could improve, I'll read more later.
Keep writing no matter what anyone says

why are all of your threads polls?

PiEman wrote:When you said you got all A's, did you forget that you failed English?

i haz a 95 in english

I abandoned all hope when I saw this story...


Its kinda confusing and there are a bunh of mistakes.
Ill look it over and edit it eventually

Jamie, its alright, not as bad as some people have been sayin >.>
but u need to have some1 proofread it for u, like seath, nate or some1. Anyways try to throw a little backstory in there, like do a flashback or somethin like that, all we really know about em is that theyre friends, and they are in the army
suggestions: devote a chapter to some1 being K.O.ed in combat, and have them have a flashback on their early childhood
throw a bit more story into a chapter before posting, and make it interesting so the reader will keep reading.

keep it up, you'll get it soon enough

i only kinda proofread the first chapter....other than that i havent looked at it much...

Onyxknight wrote:i only kinda proofread the first chapter....other than that i havent looked at it much...

LIES!!!! u didnt even read it

well whenever u get another chapter up if u'd like ill proofread it and give u some tips