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Post by PiEdude on Mon Nov 08, 2010 12:18 pm

This is a review I got for one of my recent stories on Writing.com:

Doug Rainbow on Writing.com wrote:Piescriptor (through a pen name of a curious glyph) contributes "Homecoming."

Although the concept of this contribution is pretty good, the flagrant overuse of the verb "to be" (and particularly "was") robs it of vitality. I counted 35 uses of some form of the verb "to be" in this short piece. Most verbs show action. The verb "to be" shows a state of being. "Was," "were," "is," "are," -- passive, passive, passive, passive. They suck the life out of a narrative. This could have been a good story.

"The bus was cramped" could be "Too many commuters cramped the bus like sardines in a can." "The bus was suddenly moving again" could be "The bus lurched forward and standing passengers lost their balance." "His hair was jet black and somewhat short" could be "His short black hair jutted out from his scalp like quills." And on and on.

Come on, Piescriptor, you can do better. The verb "to be" in its various tenses represents a lazy writer's way of expression. Your little piece shows that you have some imagination, an eye for description, and some appreciation of the elements of plot. Now give your talents a chance to flower and breathe. Please, please lose your penchant for passive expression.

I mean, I know it wasn't perfect, but seriously?

I put another story up for review later, and the guy sent me a message saying he was about to review that one, but refused because he read it and I apparently made the same mistake.

I read over it (the story), and I just can't piece together how he wants me to write.

Maybe I'm too distracted by the fact that this guy is apparently a master thespian who spends his time shoving out criticism on a writing website. I can actually hear his voice in my head as I read that, undoubtedly dripping with Broadway douchieness, the likes of which have not been seen since the early 1940s, just before most play actors were used as cannon fodder against the Japanese, and later Germans and Italians.

I appreciate constructive criticism, but not when it's dispensed through a cock-shaped syringe, and into my soul, by a man wearing nothing but a pink vest and assless chaps.
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Post by Rotaretilbo on Mon Nov 08, 2010 12:21 pm

I believe he's saying that you use the passive tone too heavily.

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Post by KristallNacht on Mon Nov 08, 2010 12:46 pm

his argument is entirely valid.
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Post by Kasrkin Seath on Mon Nov 08, 2010 12:52 pm

KristallNacht wrote:his argument is entirely valid.

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I AM THE LAW
Good GOD This Guy Has A Stick Up His Ass... Kasrki10
[00:17:22] @ KrAzY : new law.
[00:17:28] @ KrAzY : the law can now be a person.
[00:17:28] @ XNate02 : The Law, can only be The Law.
[00:17:32] @ Gauz : I'd kick everyone....
[00:17:37] @ KrAzY : and that person is seath
[00:17:39] @ kasrkin seath : YES
------------------------------------------
[02:22:43] @ KrAzY : the reason we all come to TCF is because Seath is too Lord Pheonix damn sexy to stop.
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Post by PiEdude on Mon Nov 08, 2010 12:53 pm

KristallNacht wrote:his argument is entirely valid.

I never said it wasn't.

It wasn't what he said, it was how he said it that irks me.
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Post by Kasrkin Seath on Mon Nov 08, 2010 12:58 pm

PiEdude wrote:
KristallNacht wrote:his argument is entirely valid.

I never said it wasn't.

It wasn't what he said, it was how he said it that irks me.

The way he said it doesn't seem very hostile to me

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I AM THE LAW
Good GOD This Guy Has A Stick Up His Ass... Kasrki10
[00:17:22] @ KrAzY : new law.
[00:17:28] @ KrAzY : the law can now be a person.
[00:17:28] @ XNate02 : The Law, can only be The Law.
[00:17:32] @ Gauz : I'd kick everyone....
[00:17:37] @ KrAzY : and that person is seath
[00:17:39] @ kasrkin seath : YES
------------------------------------------
[02:22:43] @ KrAzY : the reason we all come to TCF is because Seath is too Lord Pheonix damn sexy to stop.
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Post by Gold Spartan on Mon Nov 08, 2010 7:44 pm

He seems to think that you're too passive, seems like a valid review to me.
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Post by CivBase on Mon Nov 08, 2010 9:58 pm

It's a common writing mistake for beginners. You'll get better.

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Post by GreyApothecary on Tue Nov 09, 2010 1:49 am

question can i get a link to said story in question?
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Post by PiEdude on Tue Nov 09, 2010 5:58 am

It's in the Library here.

Red Door is the title.

https://crimsonflame.forumotion.com/the-library-f3/red-door-t3817.htm
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Post by Rasq'uire'laskar on Tue Nov 09, 2010 6:35 pm

Huh.

Wonder how I'd go about getting him to read Isolation?
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