Brutality

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Post by Death no More on Sat Sep 26, 2009 9:46 pm

Prologue





Lepadaius walked down the metallic hall ways of the Swift Conversion, it was almost dead empty as most of the crew had been sent to the surface. Except for the Jilralhanae of course, they were always assigned to either security details or more menial tasks, while the wretched Sangheili were given the best assignments and the most prestigious rewards, Lepadaius thought.

Friction had been starting to become more and more evident after the atrocity at the holy ring. The Jilralhanae had been moving up in rank, getting better assignments, and more combat opportunities. It was almost as if the Sangheili (or "Elites" as there human foes have called them) were falling out of the Prophets favor. Yet most of the Jilralhanae had remained unaffected by the extra perks they were being allowed, but Lepadaius could feel that was changing. He strode down the halls some more, still deep in his thoughts, he turned the corner and almost ran head on into a Sangheili major, he quickly swerved out of the Elites way and looked back. The Major turned around and looked at the Jilralhanae. "Watch where you are going brute."

Lepadaius winced at his last word, only Human scum called his species that. Lepadaius inched towards the Elite till there faces were mere inches from each other. "Watch your tongue Elite, your soldiers are falling out of the prophets favor." Lepadaius practically breathed the words unto the Major's face, a cocky grin crept onto the young Jilralhanae's face.

The Elite clicked it mandibles together. "Last I checked the Sangheili not the Jilralhanae are the guardians of the prophets." The Elite spat the words at the brute.

As the Elite began to walk off the brute got in a few last words. "Not for long
Sangheili, not for long!" Lepadaius smirked as the Elite walked off. The brute began to resume his patrol with the tension on the ship at a new high.


Last edited by Death no more on Sun Sep 27, 2009 1:38 pm; edited 3 times in total
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Post by Ziggy on Sat Sep 26, 2009 10:43 pm

Grammar and punctuation are all over the shop. Seriously needs editing, but otherwise it's alright I guess.
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Post by Death no More on Sun Sep 27, 2009 7:38 am

Ziggy wrote:Grammar and punctuation are all over the shop. Seriously needs editing, but otherwise it's alright I guess.
I cant fucking indent it, it moves it back to the side -.- Ill check it again.
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Post by Ziggy on Sun Sep 27, 2009 9:01 am

Death no more wrote:
Ziggy wrote:Grammar and punctuation are all over the shop. Seriously needs editing, but otherwise it's alright I guess.
I cant fucking indent it, it moves it back to the side -.- Ill check it again.

I'm not talking about indents. I'm talking about the grammar, which is currently pretty raped.

"While the wretched Sangheili were given the best assignments and the most prestigious rewards Lepadaius thought."

That's not a correct sentence.
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Post by Kasrkin Seath on Sun Sep 27, 2009 9:51 am

lol
(or "Elites" as there human foes have called them)

_________________
I AM THE LAW
Brutality Kasrki10
[00:17:22] @ KrAzY : new law.
[00:17:28] @ KrAzY : the law can now be a person.
[00:17:28] @ XNate02 : The Law, can only be The Law.
[00:17:32] @ Gauz : I'd kick everyone....
[00:17:37] @ KrAzY : and that person is seath
[00:17:39] @ kasrkin seath : YES
------------------------------------------
[02:22:43] @ KrAzY : the reason we all come to TCF is because Seath is too Lord Pheonix damn sexy to stop.
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Post by PiEdude on Sun Sep 27, 2009 12:07 pm

looks good, but grammar needs editing, and some of the dialogue should be redone.
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Post by Death no More on Sun Sep 27, 2009 1:36 pm

Kasrkin Seath wrote:lol
(or "Elites" as there human foes have called them)
Aghh it was rushed, ill correct it to the best of my abilities.
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