ITT: Anti-Jokes

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Post by Gauz on Sat Aug 01, 2009 12:12 am

How many black men can you fit in a volkswagon? Five, two in the front and three in the back.
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Post by Divine Virus on Sat Aug 01, 2009 12:19 am

A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. THe employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.
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Post by Gauz on Sat Aug 01, 2009 12:37 am

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The horse replies "My son just died of terminal cancer."

or

A horse walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out because horses don't belong in a bar.
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Post by thane321 on Sat Aug 01, 2009 6:57 am

what's green and invisible?


this lettuce.


what did batman say to robin before they gon in the batmoblie?


get in the batmobile robin!


i have one three massively long, and yet stupidly pointless jokes... i'll see if i can find them Razz
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Post by Gauz on Sat Aug 01, 2009 1:31 pm

A blonde and a red haired girl are sitting in court. The red haired girl whispers over to her partner in crime "We're stupid, why did we kill him?"
The blonde replies "I know, not a smart idea."
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Post by Death no More on Sat Aug 01, 2009 2:33 pm

Gauz wrote:A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The horse replies "My son just died of terminal cancer."
lol that was actually funnier than the original form of the joke.

Why do trees grow branches? because the ice cream is on fire.
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Post by tiny tim on Sat Aug 01, 2009 3:02 pm

what?

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Post by Gauz on Sat Aug 01, 2009 3:21 pm

No no no
That was a lame jokie
Anti-joke version of that is:
Why do trees grow branches? Simple, so that it can then extend the area of which its leaves are, thusly allowing the tree to feed itself.
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Post by Cheese on Sat Aug 01, 2009 3:24 pm

What did Mr Tumnus say to Peter when he came out of the closet?

Welcome to Narnia.

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Post by KrAzY on Sat Aug 01, 2009 4:10 pm

A man walks into a bar, an observer sees the unconscious man and calls 911 in time to save his life.
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Post by czar on Sat Aug 01, 2009 8:37 pm

Why did the chicken cross the road. He doesn't need a reason, HES A MOTHER FUCKING CHICKEN
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Post by Angatar on Sat Aug 01, 2009 11:00 pm

czar wrote:A MOTHER FUCKING CHICKEN
Your mom must be desperate then...

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Post by thane321 on Sun Aug 02, 2009 4:47 am

Angatar wrote:
czar wrote:A MOTHER FUCKING CHICKEN
Your mom must be desperate then...
no, no.

you should have said:
"in all normality chickens don't have sexual intercourse with humans, there fore it is just a normal chicken.
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Post by KrAzY on Sun Aug 02, 2009 10:22 am

how many Amish does it take to screw in a lightbulb? one, although usually Amish don't use lightbulbs.
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Post by Ringleader on Sun Aug 02, 2009 12:11 pm

A priest, a rabbi, and a scientist walk into a bar, converse over some light drinks, then leave thoroughly content with the evening.
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Post by Angatar on Sun Aug 02, 2009 12:46 pm

thane321 wrote:
Angatar wrote:
czar wrote:A MOTHER FUCKING CHICKEN
Your mom must be desperate then...
no, no.

you should have said:
"in all normality chickens don't have sexual intercourse with humans, there fore it is just a normal chicken.
I wasn't trying to make a joke, I was pointing out how your mom is desperate.

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Post by KristallNacht on Sun Aug 02, 2009 8:16 pm

Wow

Some of you don't even know what anti jokes are

Basically you take the beginning of a real joke and remove all the punchlines and provide a realistic ending.


Why are niggers dicks so long?
Well, good sir, during the American slave trade, slave owners would breed their slaves for the most profitable offspring. The stronger male slaves also happened to have larger sexual organs and this trait expanded in its appearance in the African population.
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Post by TNine on Sun Aug 02, 2009 9:53 pm

Let me tell you a story.

Once, there was a lady, who loved the colour pink, i mean, really was in love with it. Her house was pink, her ceilings were pink, her cupboards were pink, her clothes were pink, she had pink tatoos, her fence was pink, her driveway was pink, even her front yard was filled with pink grass, since she had received her Aunt's vast fortune. One day, she returned, exhausted, from her day at the pink marker making factory, and all she wanted to do was go down her pink corridor, take the second pink door on the left, go down another pink corridor, up her pink staircase, down the a third pink corridor to the third pink door on the right. However, when she got into her pink bed in her pink nightgown and pulled up the pink covers onto her pink pillow, the doorbell rang. With an exhausted sigh, she got up out of her pink bed, went out the pink door, took a pink right, when down the pink corridor to the pink staircase, took the pink door at the end of another pink corridor, and went down a last pink corridor to her pink front door. When she opened, there was a man there.

He said that he had been wandering the streets for three days, lost and confused, with no shelter, food or water. He asked if he could stay in her house for a night, and, her being a nice person, happily complied, telling him to go down a pink corridor, take the third pink door on the right, down a pink corridor, down a pink staircase, into the four pink room on the left where there was a fouton (sp?). He happily thanked her and went off on his way.

She then proceded to go down her pink corridor, take the second pink door on the left, go down another pink corridor, up her pink staircase, down the a third pink corridor to the third pink door on the right. SHe went once again into her pink nightgown, only to have the doorbell ring once again. With a sigh, she went out the pink door, took a pink right, when down the pink corridor to the pink staircase, took the pink door at the end of another pink corridor, and went down a last pink corridor to her pink front door. When she opened, there was a man there.

He said that he had been wandering the streets for nearly four days, lost and confused, and he just wanted shelter for one night. As she did for the first man, she complied. She told him to go down a pink corridor, take the third pink door on the right, down a pink corridor, down a pink staircase, into the third pink room on the left where there was a fouton (sp?). He thanked her graciously, and left.

Still tired, she went back down her pink corridor, take the second pink door on the left, go down another pink corridor, up her pink staircase, down the a third pink corridor to the third pink door on the right, where she prepared to go to bed but was once again interrupted by the doorbell ringing. She moaned, and went out the pink door, took a pink right, when down the pink corridor to the pink staircase, took the pink door at the end of another pink corridor, and went down a last pink corridor to her pink front door. When she opened, there was a man there.

She said, "Let me guess, you've been stranded on the streets for five days, lost and alone, and you just want shelter for once night?"
He said, "Yes, however did you know?"
SHe told him to go down a pink corridor, take the third pink door on the right, down a pink corridor, down a pink staircase, into the fifth pink room on the right where there was a pink fouton (sp?). He thanked her, and left.

She then proceded to go once again down her pink corridor, take the second pink door on the left, go down another pink corridor, up her pink staircase, down the a third pink corridor to the third pink door on the right, wherd she found her pink bed, went under the pink cover, and, praying the doorbell wouldn't ring again, she closed her pink eyes, and went into a deep sleep.

In the morning, she woke up, contented, and went out her pink door, took a pink left, went to the end of the pink corridor, up a pink staircase, took the third pink door on the right, went down a pink corridor, down a pink staircase, down another pink corridor, took a pink spiral staircase down, went down another pink corridor, took the third pink door on the left, down another pink stairwell, took the third pink door on the left which led her to the pink corridor in which her guests were staying. She woke them up, and led them down the pink corridor, up the pink staircase, down another pink corridor, took the third pink door on the right, down another pink corridor, took the second pink door on the left, down another pink corridor, up a pink staircase into her pink kitchen. They settled down at the pink table atop pink chairs, while the pink lady found pink spoons, pink bowls, and some pink milk from her pink fridge, along with Cheerios and Fruit Loops. Two of the men had Cheerios, the other had Fruit Loops.

Spoiler:
The morale of the story is that Two out of three men prefer Cheerios over Fruit Loops.

Not exactly an anti-joke, but shit if it ain't funny to tell in a big group of people.
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Post by tiny tim on Sun Aug 02, 2009 10:03 pm

I want that three minutes of my life back.

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Post by Angatar on Sun Aug 02, 2009 10:11 pm

@ TNine: There's is a much better way of saying it.

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Post by JumpingJet on Mon Aug 03, 2009 4:27 am

Martin Luther Chicken Jr steps up to the plate...

I have a dream. I have a dream of a world. I have a dream of a world where all chickens, everywhere, will freely cross roads, without living in fear of their actions being judged.
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Post by Death no More on Mon Aug 03, 2009 7:38 am

tiny tim wrote:I want that three minutes of my life back.
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Post by JumpingJet on Mon Aug 03, 2009 8:25 am

Death no more wrote:
tiny tim wrote:I want that three minutes of my life back.
Five
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Post by Death no More on Mon Aug 03, 2009 8:55 am

JumpingJet wrote:
Death no more wrote:
tiny tim wrote:I want that three minutes of my life back.
Five
three slow reader much?
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Post by thane321 on Mon Aug 03, 2009 11:10 am

JumpingJet wrote:
Death no more wrote:
tiny tim wrote:I want that three minutes of my life back.
Five

i want my joke back.

although i learnt it as a gold house Razz
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