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Klone 666 2.0

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Post by Carlos Spicyweiner Mon Jul 27, 2009 7:12 pm

Upon rereading the chapters already put up, I have decided that it has not been up to par for my standards for Klone and my goals for this story, so I'm giving it a rewrite. Enjoy the new paintjob.

Chapter 1: Shoot My Way Out (not a Halo reference)

Klone's vision cleared as he looked around the dark room he was in. A dim light shown over him brightly compared to the blackness around him. He felt blood trickle down out of his mouth as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. He found that he was sitting at a table, hands tied around his back, one door and a glass window. Soon he heard shuffling and the door opened, reavealing for a second the offices behind and sunlight shinning brightly though windows. Klone caught a glimpse of a window cleaner on a platform outside of one of the windows. Klone turned his attention to the bald, classily dressed man approaching the table in front of Klone. Neither said a word as the blood continued to trickle down his chin onto Klone's blue shirt. The bald man was the first to break the silence.

"We both know why you're here Michael. You knew that you couldn't run from us for long."

Klone spat out some blood onto the table, "Go f*** yourself. Where's my wife?"

"Don't worry about her, she's perfectly safe, along with Kaiden." the man replied with a smirk. He made his way around the table and stood behind Klone.

He pulled out a police baton and beat it over Klone's head, "Tell me where you hid it!"

"Do I have to say it again? Go. F****. Yourself," Klone said, wincing in pain.

He got a two more beats over the head. The man kicked over his chair, then put the sole of his shoe onto Klone's face and pressed down, "Where is it?!"

Klone spat out more blood as the man pulled off his foot and turned away, "Go to hell."

The man turned towards Klone and kicked him in the stomach. This time Klone barely winced. Klone quickly realized that his feet were untied. He looked towards the bald man and spun around, knocking his feet out from under him. The man went down hard and his head bounced on the floor, blood flowing lightly out from the impact. Klone started to feel around behind him over the man's body for a sharp object and found a switchblade from his pocket. He quickly cut off the rope on his hands and searched the man's body for anything else helpful. He found a pistol, two clips, and a small slip of paper with the numbers 1345 23 44523. Klone found the numbers strange, but took it in case it was helpful.

The man gained conscience and looked at Klone, "How do you plan on getting out Michael? We have the building completely filled with guards."

"I was going to shoot my way out," Klone answered. Klone kicked that man in the face, then got down and slit his throat.

He then turned towards the door and pulled out his pistol. He walked up to the door, and cracked it open, and looked out. He saw two armed guards and an empty office. He slowly walked out and aimed his gun at the guards and killed them both quickly with two headshots. He carefully made his way to the bodies and took one of the assault rifles. Klone heard a gunshot and quickly felt a sharp pain in his side as blood seeped out of the bullet wound. Klone fell over and looked at the shooter, and took two quick shots and killed him. Klone struggled to get up and looked over to the window, and saw that the window cleaning platform was empty. He shot out the window and got on it. He was losing blood fast. He quickly started down the building and was soon down to the ground. He estimated he had only been 10 stories up. People looked at him in worry and disgust as he walked away from the building. Klone tried to cover the blood with his hand. But it still leaked out, and Klone found his eyesight get blurry and people gasped as he fell to the ground and lost conscinousness.


Last edited by Mr. Grenade on Tue Aug 18, 2009 9:00 pm; edited 1 time in total
Carlos Spicyweiner
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Post by Wolverfrog49 Tue Jul 28, 2009 6:27 pm

Seems interesting, I await more.
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Post by Carlos Spicyweiner Thu Jul 30, 2009 7:22 pm

Chapter gone


Last edited by Mr. Grenade on Thu Aug 20, 2009 11:06 am; edited 1 time in total
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Post by Angatar Sun Aug 02, 2009 3:14 pm

I read it.

To me, it's kinda boring, wall of texts don't excite me. I suggest you make better use of paragraphs. The last paragraph in chapter 2 is super long. Try going more in depth about how he escaped from the crowd, and make that it's own paragraph, then parts with the police, and another paragraph about the Elitecorp attack.
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Post by Carlos Spicyweiner Tue Aug 18, 2009 9:00 pm

A new chapter is up, and the other ones are gone, I felt that this needed a rewrite
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Post by Ruski Thu Aug 20, 2009 10:55 am

Good, interesting story.
I can't wait for more.
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