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Post by Cheese on Tue Mar 17, 2009 7:05 am

Sorry... that was really terrible.

Anyways, I've drafted up a new one that may be more internet friendly. Enjoy!


Last edited by Cheese on Thu Mar 19, 2009 12:58 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Post by Cheese on Tue Mar 17, 2009 7:05 am

New one


Last edited by Cheese on Wed Mar 18, 2009 4:07 am; edited 4 times in total

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Post by Cheese on Tue Mar 17, 2009 7:05 am

Jerry the Lemon


Displayed behind the bar, as is typical of bars, was a dish. This particular dish was filled with lemons, lemons that were to be served in a variety of alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks. Lemons are not a particularly violent fruit, and have chosen the tact of being passive, trying to ignore humans until they are finally freed. For a long time this tactic hadn’t worked; and for a long time to come, it still wont. Lemons, being the dull, oddly shaped fruit that they are, seem a strange thing to write about; but this is the story of a Lemon who could no longer take the life of a slave. Living in a bowl until he was cut and served was not the life to be lived by Jerry Lemon. Not only was Jerry deeply confused by the persecution and execution of his race; but he also wanted change. Jerry called this change Liberation, and it meant the freedom of his race.

nnLike most Friday nights, the bar room was filled with a colourful number of people; most of whom were talking or laughing, sipping on drinks, each one decorated by the finely cut carcass of a lemon. Jerry lay quietly in a dish that had served for all his days as his prison and his frame. He was trying fruitlessly to will himself over the edge of the dish using all of his might; but because lemons are not particularly strong it took a trained athlete like Jerry and an enormous amount of effort to get out of the curved surface. The other lemons, as usual, were laughing at him from the sides, at his vain attempts of gaining freedom. This didn’t bother the escapist so much, as every once in a while one of them was killed. Jerry himself never seemed to be chosen for serving because his escape attempts usually left him bruised and unattractive looking.

nnOn this night, fortune gave Jerry wings, and he seized his chance for freedom after the barman accidentally knocked the dish to the floor, scattering lemons everywhere. The other lemons stayed statuesque and begged him to do likewise. He would do nothing of the sort. Rolling along the floor, driven by purpose, Jerry steamed towards one of the numerous tables that covered the building’s floor.

nnA girl who had not yet realised she’d had too much to drink reconsidered her alcohol intake as she found herself confronted by a bruised lemon.

nn‘Why do you eat us?’ the lemon asked.

nnThe girl paused in confusion, pondering what to tell the fruit. ‘Because you taste nice?’ she suggested eventually.

nn‘Really?’ The lemon looked shocked and horrified, so far as lemon expressionism goes anyway.

nn‘Well, no…’ the girl said thoughtfully. ‘I guess you are quite sour...’

nn‘Then why?’

nnThe girl looked thoughtfully at the lemon and expressed her doubts. ‘What’s going on? Lemons can’t talk.’

nn‘Yes they can. They just don’t.’

nnJerry told his sad story about the lemons hiding and waiting whilst the girl listened patiently. She felt so sorry for this poor lemon.

nnAfter he had finished the girl said: ‘Here, let me get you a drink,’ she ordered a coke, because the lemon was only was young. It accepted, feeling rather blue.

nnWhen the drink arrived, Jerry turned an odd shade of green, especially odd considering he were a lemon. ‘I have to go…’ he said weakly and sickly. ‘Put me outside.’

nnThe girl did as she was told, placing the discoloured fruit outside in the pouring rain. Then she returned inside to drown her troubled mind in alcohol; it seemed to be working too, until she awoke the next morning in a hospital. Jerry stayed in the back ally behind the bar, blasted by the torrential rain, crying out into the night with all the pain of the lemons. After he became too tired to scream, the lemoncholy fruit rolled under a dumpster to sleep. Harold had been impaled on the side of that coke. Jerry was a murderer, and now he could never go back. Centuries old fruit-laws had expelled from the lemon colony forever.

nnThe constant patter of the rain held Jerry prisoner in his miserable state, not allowing him the blissful release of sleep. He did not deserve it.

nnEventually the sun rose on the new morning with weary light and the customers of the bar had long since filtered out. Alone, under a dumpster, Jerry was all that remained. The alley behind the bar was not a pleasant place to be in the morning. The pungent smell of vomit and urine hung about the air, stinging the nostrils of any who wandered into the pit. Lemons have no sense of smell, so he did not have to face this at least. On the inside however, he felt as rotten as he tasted.



Last edited by Cheese on Thu Mar 26, 2009 5:57 am; edited 3 times in total

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Post by Cheese on Tue Mar 17, 2009 3:00 pm

nnNot wanting to stay any longer, the young lemon left the scene of his tormented past, rolling hopelessly down the high-street. He didn’t speak a word, make a gesture or even return the looks he received progressing along the pavement. People sighed and looked sadly upon the tiny lemon; but not one of them asked him what was wrong.

nnEventually, Jerry reached a market stall filled to the brim with fresh, ripe lemons that followed him with queer looks. They were not looks of judgement, but of pity.

nn‘Come here, Son,’ one of them said. Jerry rolled over half-heartedly. ‘What ails you friend?’

nn‘Why do we exist?’ Jerry asked thoughtfully. ‘Are we just to be eaten?’

nn‘What?’ the apparent leader exclaimed. ‘But we are lemons! Lemons are not to be eaten. Our destiny is Home.’

nn‘Home?’

nn‘When we are sold we are taken to Home, a glorious paradise in which we will live forever, as kings!’

nnJerry knew of Home, his Home had been the knife, then the glass; he had a feeling that these lemons’ fate was similar. ‘Your home is death! You will be cut and put in salads! Drinks! Pies! There is no paradise!’

nn‘If you don’t want to be saved then so be it, Lemon!’ the high lemon spat. ‘But, do not destroy our hopes! Be gone! And take your broken dreams with you.’

nnAnother lemon society Jerry had been cast from. He rolled hopelessly down the street, looking for somewhere that might sell lemons. Bookstores, card shops, fast food, none would work. But hope came and Jerry’s heart lifted as he saw a newsagent and rolled in.

nnAt the far side of the shop was a basket filled with various fruits. There was no doubt that lemons would be among them; but Jerry’s attention had been caught by something else.

nnLit by the celestial glow of a humming refrigerator, sat the most incredible thing Jerry would ever see. It was Sprite, God of all lemons. Legend told it had somehow combined with the oppressive lime to form something wise and tasteful. There had been a rumour it existed beneath the bar in a keg, although no proof had been found. But now, here he stood: the outcast lemon, at the foot of God.

nn‘God?’ Jerry asked.

nn‘Some call me that,’ God said. ‘Others call me Sprite.’

nn‘I’ve been cast out from everywhere. Everyone seems to want to keep their place in society. To just… be eaten! Can this really be our fate?’

nnGod sat thoughtfully. ‘As lemons, we have been bred by humans, for human consumption. It is our life, and our death.’

nnJerry couldn’t believe it. Bred by humans? It seemed too much. His happy memories of the tree faded quickly, replaced with thoughts of burning industry. ‘I can’t accept it, I won’t!’

nn‘This is your fate. It is all of ours.’

nn‘Lemons are not just commodities! We can fight back! We just have to find the will!’

nn‘I was once strong, but I have sat on this shelf countless days. My fizz has left me. I cannot even move.’

nnSomeone walked into the store, the bell rung. God was taken from the shelf and the customer walked towards the counter.

nn‘It is our fate.’ were God’s last ever words.

nnThe human snapped the neck, twisted off the head and swigged mightily at the contents of Jerry’s God. Slowly the liquid emptied into the giant’s stomach. The outcast watched in panic and fear as he saw his almighty devoured.

nn‘No!’ Jerry cried rushing to the foot of the human.

nnNo lemon had ever done what Jerry did at that moment. Powered by rage and sadness, he released all that was sour about him in the direction of the customer. Gasping in awe, the human gazed at the heated lemon, paralysed with more fear than anyone had ever felt for a fruit. Slamming down the swift judgemental hammer of a race tormented, Jerry lemoned the petrified man. The poor customer cried out in pain and clutched his eyes, rubbing furiously whilst the newsagent stared in disbelief.

nnNo lemon has ever been able to lemon twice. On the floor, Jerry uttered his dying words: - ‘No more, will you persecute the lemon race…’

nn‘Oh my God! It can talk?’ the shopkeeper exclaimed.

nnThat was the beginning of Liberation.

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Post by Cheese on Thu Mar 26, 2009 6:09 am

Third one. Sorry I took so long.

This is the bitter tale of Jerry the Lemon, who was outcast by his very kind. All he ever wanted was the freedom and emancipation of his race. What he got in return was self-exile - but with this banishment, came the chance to discover the purpose of every lemon on the planet - and perhaps, only perhaps, get their lives to change forever.

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Post by Onyxknight on Thu Mar 26, 2009 2:21 pm

this is different.
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Post by Jamiesway on Fri Mar 27, 2009 11:01 pm

LOL! difrent but i like it .... and thats y i like u cheese...your just awesome like that....LIKE ME!
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Post by BBJynne on Sat Mar 28, 2009 12:01 am

lol wat?

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Post by CivBase on Sat Mar 28, 2009 9:57 am

"trying fruitlessly to will himself over the edge"
"the lemoncholy fruit rolled under a dumpster"

lol

You know it's melancholy, right?

Decent story... is there more?

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Post by Nocbl2 on Sat Mar 28, 2009 10:24 am

ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL
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Post by Cheese on Thu Apr 16, 2009 2:30 pm

CivBase wrote:"trying fruitlessly to will himself over the edge"
"the lemoncholy fruit rolled under a dumpster"

lol

You know it's melancholy, right?

Decent story... is there more?

Woo, I'm actually getting readers! Razz I didn't notice this.

Yeah, I do, it was a cunning pun replacing melon and lemon.... mwa ha ha.

As for there being more, I considered it - but I would be doing exactly the same as terminator: rise of the machines. But with lemons!

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